Before I get back to my academics, I’d just like to address a bothersome thought.
I have a friend, or so I thought I do. She and I shared so much, emotionally revealed so much to each other and told good and bad stuff for and to each other. For a moment I thought, she might finally be the ‘one’ friend I’ve been looking for. But I don’t know anymore.
I have given this a thought that this matter may seem irrelevant and worthy of being ignored, but I strongly accede to the idea that our social lives, including our personal growth within society, is as important as mental and physical health is to us.
People who truly know me, know that I am not the social type. Thus, I could only count my cherished friends by my fingers, and when I mean ‘cherished’, I mean, ones I could truly trust and ones I know would not pass any cruel judgment on any action or mistake that I do. I am in an intimate relationship, but there is something else going on when you have people outside of that, people whose shoulders you can lean on in case things go temporarily rough.
There is trepidation for me in the idea of doing ‘small talk’ with old and new friends when I meet them publicly, may it be that I am socially awkward or quite simply, they distract me to where I would be headed on that day. Other than that, I have had my fair share of betrayals and judgments, where I have been castigated for my seemingly hostile presence and appearance, and not being able to keep up with the status quo, current trends and all that.
Still, I had friends—‘friends’ in that very sense and basic meaning of the word, and in fact, I have many—more than the sum of my fingers. I am no “high-functioning sociopath” like Sherlock.
I can be friends with so many yet I fail to have what others around me have:
That ONE friend.
…that one friend, who basically thinks of you first for any ‘plus-one’ party invites, one who calls you first when they’re stuck at home bored, one who turns to you for opinion on their outfit, one you could pick a fight with but who you can immediately say ‘sorry’ to (and vice versa), one who calls you first the moment they move out of town, one who treats you unlike any of his/her friends, one who takes pride in being a friend of someone with your talents and skills—and I’m sure you get what I mean now.
A bond such as this is almost primal. A friendship as cherished as this is something I’ve noticed to be already engraved both in their hearts and memories, and somehow in their fates as well—even when one is on the other side of the world, with miles and miles of distance in between them.
I envy such a bond.
This bond is not selfish, as I may delineate it to be. Rather, it’s more exclusive than most, but not at the point where we own the time of the other. As all of us tread through our separate paths, creating different memories and having different experiences in life, there’s a one in a million chance you could meet someone who you share relative experiences with, it may not be exact, but one who shares your sentiments, opinions, dreams and the like. And it seems most of the people I know, have already met theirs.
Cliché quotes like, “there’s more fish in the sea” and “they’ll come to you” are hollow sounds [that only a few] people [in my life] used to tell me when they see I’m socially struggling. Again, I still do believe that one’s social life is as important as our careers and goals and health, which is why I bother myself with such issues. Otherwise, we’ll only be robots functioning on a single program to take care of ourselves and survive.
But those people I know who share this kind of bond with someone may or may not last. After all, people change, as will the world. I guess my only issue here is that I have never had one (yet, I suppose), while those around me was given a chance to meet someone like them, and have lasted for a long time.
But maybe, I already have, and it was only me who looked away because of the uncertainty that probably what I feel isn’t the same as they feel about me, that maybe the attention and affection I give as a friend is not reciprocated.
But that’s an issue worthy of a separate post.
Still, this letter is far more than just a method to vent out what I feel, but I know for a fact, some may feel the same way.
If you’re struggling socially, and feeling you’re unable to make a deeper connection with people, know that you’re not alone. I hope that this letter in itself may give you comfort that truly, one can never be alone in such circumstances. Although for us, if you’re my age (in our 20s) it’s high time to pop the bubble and take a chance, I guess. Get out there and meet people and if you deem them worthy of your attention and affection, take a chance at establishing a bond. I haven’t found mine, but I do hope you find yours. These days, our chaotic planet demands that we need people we can rely on.
Let’s go out there and find ours.